My Strange Addiction

 I'm in a season of transition. Looking at my own issues head-on and battling the uphill challenge of un-doing well-established patterns. I remember listening to a message by Adrian Rodgers about changing these patterns of thought. It was helpful to visualize trying to reestablish a new groove in thinking. Like a rut in the road, it takes much effort to get out of the rut.

One of my main hard issues is co-dependency. I read books about the subject in my 20's so it's not that I have not been aware of this bend I have, still, it's been a hard struggle of change. Lately one of my sources of support provided a definition of co-dependency that was a light bulb moment for me. She stated that it was really a lack of relationship with self. Wow. 

I am realizing the best thing I can do moving forward, learning from my mistakes, is to to learn how to appreciate myself and not look for validation in outside sources. To rely on a power greater than myself to place my burdens on.  I started that specific journey back in 1989 when I started attending my first 12-step group. That was the year I started seeing a counselor, a very good friend recognized my need for it and booked my first appointment, as well as accompanying me to that first scary visit. The counselor highly encouraged me to attend these groups and after much procrastination I got the courage to go. 

I found it to be refreshing and invigorating. They assigned us all a 12-step workbook that became my due diligence. I loved the self-reflection and the realization of my own powerlessness. That was Step 1 - "We admitted we were powerless over the effects of addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable." I took my workbook material seriously and applied deep thought to it all. I still have this workbook, it was the first of many workbooks. It's funny to read my answers now, in my 1989 handwriting. 

I took six months in between step 1 and 2, wanting to be all in. Step 2 - "Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to wholeness." The first question of that step asks "Describe the fears that block your acceptance of a Higher Power?" My response: "I'm not real religious. I have sometimes felt angry at god and that he didn't care about me." This was an honest start to my spiritual journey. 

I took Step 3 seriously and it is here that I stopped writing in this workbook. The "higher power" term did not ring as true. I started reading the Bible and went to the downtown Chandler library, walked directly to the "religion" section and scanned the shelf for a book to help me understand what I was reading. The book that caught my eye was a wonderful book called "Ask Him Anything" by Lloyd John Ogilve. I devoured this book, writing most of it in my journal. It was an absolute game-changer.  

It was around this time that we received a flyer in the mail about this new church starting near our neighborhood. I was living with my dad and step-mom at the time. I liked the idea of attending "church" in a movie theater, less intimidating. I was raised going to the Presbyterian church where my grandfather was an elder, but stopped going once my mom no longer forced me to go - somewhere in my teens. I just went down some wrong paths.

I felt strangely compelled to go and arrived solo at one of the first meetings of this little church that is now quite large, Sun Valley Community Church. I loved it and marked on the bulletin that I wanted to accept Jesus as my Savior, even though I did not fully grasp what that meant. I met with the Executive Pastor and his wife. They walked me through the Four Spiritual Laws Pamphlet, and the wife began discipling me in the Bible. This would become my new higher power, the God of the Bible.

I continued attending 12 Step groups and at one point, was going as many nights as I could. I knew I was at a changing point and did not want to lose momentum. I was getting away from alcohol being my crutch. My hunger for spiritual things grew and I was told about a new Christ-centered 12 Step group that was starting at Grace Community Church. I was there from Day 1 and many years after that. That is where I began work on my next 12 Step workbook. I finished that one and another one after that. I eventually started facilitating a growth group for people that had worked through the 12 steps but wanted continued growth. 

I thought I was in a healthy place and in some ways, I was, but in other ways, I was only beginning to apply the wisdom I was learning about. I stopped going to 12 step groups and got involved with Bible studies and church activities and serving there. This continued the growth process, but there were many set-backs along the way. I hadn't yet grasped the importance of boundaries, defining mine and enforcing them. In 2013, I returned to the support group setting. It had been 18 years. I went through a step group at a church called Celebrate Recovery, not a 12 step group per say, but the same concept. 

All these workbooks and groups have been steps in my journey. I don't discount them. I've heard criticisms of this type of help, they are not for everybody, but I think they served a purpose for me. They have been an important part of growth, but like anything else, they are not magic. I have to continually apply truth to my sometimes distorted thinking. I still tend to bend codependent-ly. 

Two years ago I went through another support group called Mending The Soul. It brought a lot of healing to some very painful wounds and gave me fresh understanding of the connection between my past and my present. It connected the dots so to speak. I've gone through the facilitator training and am waiting for the right opportunity to put the facilitator hat back on. It will keep me in the material, facing truths about myself, God and others and learning to trust again, after brokenness. It will use everything I've been through, for good and I'm excited about helping others get to healing, and on the road to spiritual freedom.

I guess you could call it my strange addiction, whether it be a workbook, Bible study, counseling, or support group, I am addicted. I don't want to be short sighted in dealing with my own issues and I am committed to continued growth and learning from my past. So my spiritual journey continues, I wrestle out my wrong choices and God's sovereignty that somehow intertwine and make up my life..... so far. My name is Karen and I am addicted!