Do you feel you have wasted a portion of your life? Whether that be years or months, to feel like time has been wasted is never a positive. I felt like that for many years after my divorce. Recently a training in my Victim’s Advocacy course made me re-think that.
I was married for over 20 years. I never thought that I would get divorced, no one marries thinking that. I was a product of divorce, so I knew the devastation that can come from it and I never dreamed my kids too, would be a product of divorce. It is not something I casually chose to do or a decision that was taken lightly by any means. It was a grievous and shattering decision, one that I prayed and wrestled with.
I spent the first 5 years of my marriage being angry and disillusioned, then the next 10 years trying to be The Excellent Wife I had read about (read and studied that book and threw it across the room a handful of times!) but I felt like I failed miserably. The remaining 5 or so years were years of clarity, where things started coming together and I could put a name to what was going on. I researched and read about things like Patriarchy. I read The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, A Cry For Justice, and other books. I continued to dive headlong into Bible Studies and did an in depth study on the book of Romans that gave me courage to face condemnation that had felt prevalent all during our marriage.
I felt emotionally and spiritually drained, but to put a name on things helped give me perseverance to get healing in my life. I joined a Mending The Soul group and worked through and identified the issues that lead to my choices. As soon as we finished the group I signed up to get facilitator training, I knew it was something I wanted to be a part of, to help others walk through their own story, name what needed named so they could get clarity and healing.
I started the grief process of grieving the loss of a dream, we would no longer be a family unit and there was a ton of loss to process in that, if it ever completely gets processed. Being a single mom challenged me in many ways, having to learn to balance work and family, paying bills and keeping up with repairs, finding time to exercise as well to unwind. Spiritually I was left in a state of confusion because scripture was quoted out of context and in a controlling and manipulative manner. I had to untwist what had been twisted, to read Bible verses in their historical context to really seek to understand their true meaning and purposes.
I am thankful that I continually saw God’s hand and provision in my life. When I first moved out of the house we had lived in for 14 plus years, I moved into a friends house in Phoenix. She had been a friend of mine since before kids and knew me very well. She did not charge me rent, and she lived down the street, only a few doors down, so we saw each other a lot and she was a great source of support and encouragement to me. I needed a kitchen table, chairs and two beds for 2 out of the three boys. Another girlfriend of mine called me after I moved in and told me she had all of those things sitting in her garage that she could freely give me and it was the table I had greatly admired when at her house before. We lived in that house for 6 months, it will always be remembered as a time of provision, grace, and mercy. The two oldest boys were learning to drive on the busy freeway between Phoenix and the valley where their schools were. It was a stressful time in many ways, but also a time of provision.
Since then I continued to get counseling and helped facilitate a Mending The Soul group where another layer of pain and shame was healed as I shared my story and listened to other brave women share their story too. I met my good friend and Non Profit partner there as we bonded over being able to relate the struggle to re-connect to God spiritually after scripture being used in manipulative ways. Her story was incredible and I remember telling her after I heard it for the first time that it was a complete miracle that she still believes in God, He was so misrepresented in her marriage.
Healing has come and will continue as I continually seek for it. I’ve been going through a Victim’s Advocacy course that was offered through another Non Profit. It has been very healing and validating. The course that opened my eyes to the myth of wasted years was a course on the many myths of Divorce. In it, the speaker and author of the book “So You Are a Believer....Who Has Been Through a Divorce”, Joseph J. Pote says: “Our greatest and deepest covenant is with God, our most enduring covenant partner says all the love we lavish on others, all the work, prayers, and effort, He accepts as being given to Him.” Wow. He said that through his own tears of remembered agony. To think that how I treat others is how I show God’s love is not a new concept. Jesus taught this all through the Bible.
Pote writes: Every tear you shed, Jesus has stored in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8), Every prayer you prayed, Jesus accepts as being poured out to Him, in love. All the effort was not wasted.... Knowing this..... we can choose to love again, unreservedly and unconditionally. He will accept your love offerings as being given to Him.” We can commit to a ministry or Non Profit more zealously because we have not wasted all those years. The love, prayers, and emotional energy we poured on our spouses was given to God as a love offering, as if given directly to Him. So there is no such thing as wasted years! Let that sink in and give you encouragement and hope. There is life after divorce. Our best years can be ahead of us, in a future filled with HOPE.
