I'm in a season of transition. Looking at my own issues head-on and battling the uphill challenge of un-doing well-established patterns. I remember listening to a message by Adrian Rodgers about changing these patterns of thought. It was helpful to visualize trying to reestablish a new groove in thinking. Like a rut in the road, it takes much effort to get out of the rut.
One of my main hard issues is co-dependency. I read books about the subject in my 20's so it's not that I have not been aware of this bend I have, still, it's been a hard struggle of change. Lately one of my sources of support provided a definition of co-dependency that was a light bulb moment for me. She stated that it was really a lack of relationship with self. Wow.
I am realizing the best thing I can do moving forward, learning from my mistakes, is to to learn how to appreciate myself and not look for validation in outside sources. To rely on a power greater than myself to place my burdens on. I started that specific journey back in 1989 when I started attending my first 12-step group. That was the year I started seeing a counselor, a very good friend recognized my need for it and booked my first appointment, as well as accompanying me to that first scary visit. The counselor highly encouraged me to attend these groups and after much procrastination I got the courage to go.
I found it to be refreshing and invigorating. They assigned us all a 12-step workbook that became my due diligence. I loved the self-reflection and the realization of my own powerlessness. That was Step 1 - "We admitted we were powerless over the effects of addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable." I took my workbook material seriously and applied deep thought to it all. I still have this workbook, it was the first of many workbooks. It's funny to read my answers now, in my 1989 handwriting.
I took six months in between step 1 and 2, wanting to be all in. Step 2 - "Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to wholeness." The first question of that step asks "Describe the fears that block your acceptance of a Higher Power?" My response: "I'm not real religious. I have sometimes felt angry at god and that he didn't care about me." This was an honest start to my spiritual journey.
I took Step 3 seriously and it is here that I stopped writing in this workbook. The "higher power" term did not ring as true. I started reading the Bible and went to the downtown Chandler library, walked directly to the "religion" section and scanned the shelf for a book to help me understand what I was reading. The book that caught my eye was a wonderful book called "Ask Him Anything" by Lloyd John Ogilve. I devoured this book, writing most of it in my journal. It was an absolute game-changer.
It was around this time that we received a flyer in the mail about this new church starting near our neighborhood. I was living with my dad and step-mom at the time. I liked the idea of attending "church" in a movie theater, less intimidating. I was raised going to the Presbyterian church where my grandfather was an elder, but stopped going once my mom no longer forced me to go - somewhere in my teens. I just went down some wrong paths.
I felt strangely compelled to go and arrived solo at one of the first meetings of this little church that is now quite large, Sun Valley Community Church. I loved it and marked on the bulletin that I wanted to accept Jesus as my Savior, even though I did not fully grasp what that meant. I met with the Executive Pastor and his wife. They walked me through the Four Spiritual Laws Pamphlet, and the wife began discipling me in the Bible. This would become my new higher power, the God of the Bible.
I continued attending 12 Step groups and at one point, was going as many nights as I could. I knew I was at a changing point and did not want to lose momentum. I was getting away from alcohol being my crutch. My hunger for spiritual things grew and I was told about a new Christ-centered 12 Step group that was starting at Grace Community Church. I was there from Day 1 and many years after that. That is where I began work on my next 12 Step workbook. I finished that one and another one after that. I eventually started facilitating a growth group for people that had worked through the 12 steps but wanted continued growth.
I thought I was in a healthy place and in some ways, I was, but in other ways, I was only beginning to apply the wisdom I was learning about. I stopped going to 12 step groups and got involved with Bible studies and church activities and serving there. This continued the growth process, but there were many set-backs along the way. I hadn't yet grasped the importance of boundaries, defining mine and enforcing them. In 2013, I returned to the support group setting. It had been 18 years. I went through a step group at a church called Celebrate Recovery, not a 12 step group per say, but the same concept.
All these workbooks and groups have been steps in my journey. I don't discount them. I've heard criticisms of this type of help, they are not for everybody, but I think they served a purpose for me. They have been an important part of growth, but like anything else, they are not magic. I have to continually apply truth to my sometimes distorted thinking. I still tend to bend codependent-ly.
Two years ago I went through another support group called Mending The Soul. It brought a lot of healing to some very painful wounds and gave me fresh understanding of the connection between my past and my present. It connected the dots so to speak. I've gone through the facilitator training and am waiting for the right opportunity to put the facilitator hat back on. It will keep me in the material, facing truths about myself, God and others and learning to trust again, after brokenness. It will use everything I've been through, for good and I'm excited about helping others get to healing, and on the road to spiritual freedom.
I guess you could call it my strange addiction, whether it be a workbook, Bible study, counseling, or support group, I am addicted. I don't want to be short sighted in dealing with my own issues and I am committed to continued growth and learning from my past. So my spiritual journey continues, I wrestle out my wrong choices and God's sovereignty that somehow intertwine and make up my life..... so far. My name is Karen and I am addicted!
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
My Mortifying Morning
I had a challenging morning. Yesterday my van broke down and a dear friend loaned me her car because I had an interview scheduled this morning. As I was on my way to the interview I realize the address I had for the interview location is not correct, my GPS was not finding it. So I'm starting to get a little nervous. As I'm scanning the road, I hear this strange sound coming from the back of the car. I look in the back seat and see a Madagascar cockroach crawling along on a paper grocery bag. You might wonder how I knew what it was. . . . years ago I had taken the boys to a week long Science camp and one of the activities at this camp was that the boys could let these Madagascar cockroaches climb on their hands. I don't think my boys did that, and I for sure know that I did not, cockroaches top my list for most disgusting critter. They make me a little crazy, I am not sure why, but I have such a fearful reaction to them. Thankfully they do not reside in our house so it's not usually a huge issue. Seeing this humungous roach almost did me in. I'm thankful I did not swerve and crash on the road as it sent me into an even greater panic. I quickly pulled over and called a friend that had referred me for this job, and he was able to give me the correct address so I was able to quickly find the location. I bolted out of the car as soon as I possibly could and went in for my interview, distracted. . . thinking of the car ride home. I managed to get through the interview and told her about the incident for some comic relief. She told me there was no way she would get back in that car if it was her, but it was me and I had the dilemma of figuring out how to get that gross thing out of the car.
I opened the driver side car door and immediately saw it crawling along the bottom rim. I slammed the car door, hoping it does him in, but it doesn't and it's still crawling along. I tried a few more times when the thought entered my mind to open the door on the opposite side. When I had bolted out of the side of the car that I saw the first one on, lo and behold I saw the original guy, realizing the one on the driver door is critter #2! Now I have two Madagascar cockroaches to contend with on opposite sides of the car. At this point, prayer is happening, and I need a way out of this situation which feels like a total nightmare! If I was on any type of surveillance camera it would be pretty comical. I kept going back and forth and slamming the car doors. Amazingly I was able to get the one on the passenger side to fall off onto the concrete. It flipped on it's back, but quickly recovered and crawled under the car. Continued fervent prayer. Have I mentioned how much I completely hate roaches of any kind?
With added determination I open the car door on the driver's side to see the guy continuing to saunter along the rim. I walked around the parking lot looking for a stick to flick it off, but all I could find were flimsy twigs that were of no use. I spotted a discarded windshield wiper in the parking lot, picked it up, and folded it in half to get some leverage. It took me a few try's but I was finally able to flick it out onto the pavement to join his counterpart. Wondering if there were any more in this roach coach, I did a quick scan and did not see any so I hopped in and headed home as fast as I possibly could. It was a very long drive, much longer than the way there. I drove the rest of the way home hunched against the steering wheel and praying. I could hear more ruffling so I was pretty sure there was more. . . . I was so done when I got home and it was only 10:30 a.m. I sent Jacob, our resident critter catcher, out to investigate for me. We scoured the car and found a dead one and another live one. Using a garden glove, he was able to get the hiding roach out and put an end to it's life. I paid him to vacuum the car out for me, just in case.
I texted my friend that had so graciously loaned me the car and she immediately called me back apologized profusely and realized that another friend of hers had returned the car to them this week. He leads Science camps and uses the roaches, just like the one I had taken the boys to years ago. In fact, he was the same teacher of this camp I had taken them to so long ago. I guess he forgot that he had them in their car. Yeah, we got a good laugh about the irony of it all.
It was a morning I will never forget (it probably took a few years off my life) but it also showed me that fear does not have to get the best of me. When I was driving home and praying that none of them would fall or crawl on me, I told myself that they would not hurt me if they did happen to get on me. I survived and learned a lesson in fear. So how was your morning?
I opened the driver side car door and immediately saw it crawling along the bottom rim. I slammed the car door, hoping it does him in, but it doesn't and it's still crawling along. I tried a few more times when the thought entered my mind to open the door on the opposite side. When I had bolted out of the side of the car that I saw the first one on, lo and behold I saw the original guy, realizing the one on the driver door is critter #2! Now I have two Madagascar cockroaches to contend with on opposite sides of the car. At this point, prayer is happening, and I need a way out of this situation which feels like a total nightmare! If I was on any type of surveillance camera it would be pretty comical. I kept going back and forth and slamming the car doors. Amazingly I was able to get the one on the passenger side to fall off onto the concrete. It flipped on it's back, but quickly recovered and crawled under the car. Continued fervent prayer. Have I mentioned how much I completely hate roaches of any kind?
With added determination I open the car door on the driver's side to see the guy continuing to saunter along the rim. I walked around the parking lot looking for a stick to flick it off, but all I could find were flimsy twigs that were of no use. I spotted a discarded windshield wiper in the parking lot, picked it up, and folded it in half to get some leverage. It took me a few try's but I was finally able to flick it out onto the pavement to join his counterpart. Wondering if there were any more in this roach coach, I did a quick scan and did not see any so I hopped in and headed home as fast as I possibly could. It was a very long drive, much longer than the way there. I drove the rest of the way home hunched against the steering wheel and praying. I could hear more ruffling so I was pretty sure there was more. . . . I was so done when I got home and it was only 10:30 a.m. I sent Jacob, our resident critter catcher, out to investigate for me. We scoured the car and found a dead one and another live one. Using a garden glove, he was able to get the hiding roach out and put an end to it's life. I paid him to vacuum the car out for me, just in case.
I texted my friend that had so graciously loaned me the car and she immediately called me back apologized profusely and realized that another friend of hers had returned the car to them this week. He leads Science camps and uses the roaches, just like the one I had taken the boys to years ago. In fact, he was the same teacher of this camp I had taken them to so long ago. I guess he forgot that he had them in their car. Yeah, we got a good laugh about the irony of it all.
It was a morning I will never forget (it probably took a few years off my life) but it also showed me that fear does not have to get the best of me. When I was driving home and praying that none of them would fall or crawl on me, I told myself that they would not hurt me if they did happen to get on me. I survived and learned a lesson in fear. So how was your morning?
Saturday, April 23, 2016
The Struggle is Real
A casual glance through the Social Media minefield of distraction and curiosity can give me a false impression that I am the minority in the struggle of life right now. It's why I try to limit my time there to specific groups that I can be real with. It can provoke me to envy which is not something I need to add to the already-there-struggle.
In reality, everyone has something to struggle with, none of us are immune. For me, this season has been difficult and the struggle is real. God prepared me for this season. I think something in me had been slowly waking up. I like to think I was waking up to truth, to being fully human and whole. God used so many things to get me to that point. I immersed myself in Bible study, it was the way I coped with the insanity of a life situation I was in. One of the many studies was a precept study on the entire book of Romans, my favorite book in the New Testament. Wayne Barber explained the in's and out's of that book so well that I could not write fast enough to take notes. Thankfully, another gal in the class made a transcript of most of the sessions. I devoured them and seeing the meaning in it's full context, gave me the courage to stand on truth. So much of the verses that were emphasized to me in life were verses taken sorely out of context, used in a way they were not meant to be used. I did not know it then, when I used those same verses to pound myself with.
My two favorite NT verses are the No Condemnation verse of Romans 8:1 and how God works all things for good...The No Condemnation one was pivotal for me to finally stand up and firmly stand on that foundation. The God working all things for good keeps me there. It's been the biggest struggle of my life.
As I am in a difficult season, I need to intentionally pull back my focus to see the overall picture. God has brought me into the paths of some amazing, inspiring women for which I am incredibly grateful. He has put relatable women in my life. I have a small support group which is so helpful. But pain, deep heart-wrenching pain is isolating. It's debilitating. I don't always handle it well. On a good day, I cling to the verses like the solid truth of Romans 8:28. I don't see it as a sugary Hallmark-card platitude, but truth that pulls me out of my hyper-sensitive, circumstance-focused lens to see the big, eternal picture. That's a good day. I acknowledge that I don't like the pain, any pain, that I am really tired of the pain, but I know God says there will be pain, so I can almost embrace it and see the big picture in it all.
On a bad day, and I've been having more of them lately, I get really angry at God. I have a temper tantrum like a two year old. I'm cynical of all church, Christians, and well, people in general. I loathe myself, I think that is the most painful. When I think so lowly and not as in humble of myself, it's hard to reconcile in my relationship to God. It adds to the anger.
Thankfully, I don't stay in that pit of despair for too long. I have kids that need me, friends to encourage and support, work to attend to, and a fellowship to be a part of. God's love draws me to repentance, to confession and restoration. Still, it's a long path to healing. I've been actively searching, applying and interviewing for work, either to supplement, or to replace what I am currently doing. It's humbling, very humbling. I can feel the rejection to the core. Confidence has never been my strength so it's a test of faith to not give in to absolute depression.
I'm currently reading Brennan Manning's memoir, a man I greatly admire. I love that in the foreword of the book Philip Yancey (another great writer) writes how as you read this book you may be tempted to think: "Oh, what might have been....", since Manning struggled greatly with alcoholism. He urges us to reframe that thought to "Oh, what might have been ... if Brennan hadn't discovered grace." Brennan Manning is notorious for proclaiming a gospel he believed with all his heart but did not always live. I can so relate.
He has a quote from a monk named Thomas Keating that rang true for me: "The cross Jesus asked you to carry is yourself. It's all the pain inflicted on you in your past and all the pain you've inflicted on others." I'm so glad that's not the end of the story, that it doesn't end with me carrying that cross, or any cross, alone on my back with no one to help me carry it. It's living like Brennan Manning lived, all is grace. Like how Rich Mullins lived, a self-proclaimed Ragamuffin, who struggled to accept God's love. He is my favorite song-writer because his songs tell that story. His struggle was also real and relatable. Both Brennan and Rich wrestled it out, their tendency to sin, their struggle to stay in that Truth of God's agape love, yet their valiant, refreshingly honest perseverance and admonition to hold to the furious longing and love of God, even when they didn't feel very lovable. God's love is real and will.... be..... realized in full, in due time. Until then I can live in the "Here I'm tested and made worthy, tossed about but lifted up, in the reckless raging fury that they call the love of God" season as Rich Mullins sings in "The Love of God". It is a struggle that is real, but I'm not alone in the struggle and neither are you.
In reality, everyone has something to struggle with, none of us are immune. For me, this season has been difficult and the struggle is real. God prepared me for this season. I think something in me had been slowly waking up. I like to think I was waking up to truth, to being fully human and whole. God used so many things to get me to that point. I immersed myself in Bible study, it was the way I coped with the insanity of a life situation I was in. One of the many studies was a precept study on the entire book of Romans, my favorite book in the New Testament. Wayne Barber explained the in's and out's of that book so well that I could not write fast enough to take notes. Thankfully, another gal in the class made a transcript of most of the sessions. I devoured them and seeing the meaning in it's full context, gave me the courage to stand on truth. So much of the verses that were emphasized to me in life were verses taken sorely out of context, used in a way they were not meant to be used. I did not know it then, when I used those same verses to pound myself with.
My two favorite NT verses are the No Condemnation verse of Romans 8:1 and how God works all things for good...The No Condemnation one was pivotal for me to finally stand up and firmly stand on that foundation. The God working all things for good keeps me there. It's been the biggest struggle of my life.
As I am in a difficult season, I need to intentionally pull back my focus to see the overall picture. God has brought me into the paths of some amazing, inspiring women for which I am incredibly grateful. He has put relatable women in my life. I have a small support group which is so helpful. But pain, deep heart-wrenching pain is isolating. It's debilitating. I don't always handle it well. On a good day, I cling to the verses like the solid truth of Romans 8:28. I don't see it as a sugary Hallmark-card platitude, but truth that pulls me out of my hyper-sensitive, circumstance-focused lens to see the big, eternal picture. That's a good day. I acknowledge that I don't like the pain, any pain, that I am really tired of the pain, but I know God says there will be pain, so I can almost embrace it and see the big picture in it all.
On a bad day, and I've been having more of them lately, I get really angry at God. I have a temper tantrum like a two year old. I'm cynical of all church, Christians, and well, people in general. I loathe myself, I think that is the most painful. When I think so lowly and not as in humble of myself, it's hard to reconcile in my relationship to God. It adds to the anger.
Thankfully, I don't stay in that pit of despair for too long. I have kids that need me, friends to encourage and support, work to attend to, and a fellowship to be a part of. God's love draws me to repentance, to confession and restoration. Still, it's a long path to healing. I've been actively searching, applying and interviewing for work, either to supplement, or to replace what I am currently doing. It's humbling, very humbling. I can feel the rejection to the core. Confidence has never been my strength so it's a test of faith to not give in to absolute depression.
I'm currently reading Brennan Manning's memoir, a man I greatly admire. I love that in the foreword of the book Philip Yancey (another great writer) writes how as you read this book you may be tempted to think: "Oh, what might have been....", since Manning struggled greatly with alcoholism. He urges us to reframe that thought to "Oh, what might have been ... if Brennan hadn't discovered grace." Brennan Manning is notorious for proclaiming a gospel he believed with all his heart but did not always live. I can so relate.
He has a quote from a monk named Thomas Keating that rang true for me: "The cross Jesus asked you to carry is yourself. It's all the pain inflicted on you in your past and all the pain you've inflicted on others." I'm so glad that's not the end of the story, that it doesn't end with me carrying that cross, or any cross, alone on my back with no one to help me carry it. It's living like Brennan Manning lived, all is grace. Like how Rich Mullins lived, a self-proclaimed Ragamuffin, who struggled to accept God's love. He is my favorite song-writer because his songs tell that story. His struggle was also real and relatable. Both Brennan and Rich wrestled it out, their tendency to sin, their struggle to stay in that Truth of God's agape love, yet their valiant, refreshingly honest perseverance and admonition to hold to the furious longing and love of God, even when they didn't feel very lovable. God's love is real and will.... be..... realized in full, in due time. Until then I can live in the "Here I'm tested and made worthy, tossed about but lifted up, in the reckless raging fury that they call the love of God" season as Rich Mullins sings in "The Love of God". It is a struggle that is real, but I'm not alone in the struggle and neither are you.
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Salvaging Seeds
I went to a night of praise last night. It had been a hard, stressful week. As I sat there and soaked in the words being sung, saying He is a good good Father, it resonated deep within me for all the things the songs said were true, the truest things I know and yet I felt detached at first. It was a battle to quiet my mind and to concentrate, to give into the truths and let go of any lies. I felt convicted, God has done so much to show me His faithfulness and yet I continually stress and doubt and give in to anxiousness which can easily lead to me leading the way instead of a confident faith in Him, His Word and His promises. I'm not one to say I get visions, but occasionally I do feel God gives me little visuals that help me understand my struggle. As the praise continued I raised my hands in faith, offering Him the praise He is due, regardless of my feelings. I thought of the passages in Scripture that describe a mustard-seed sized faith. So much of my struggle right now is sorting the good and bad seed. In thinking on those verses, I pictured a damaged seed. I thought of the words by Dale Fincher, founder of solution.org-a site devoted to spiritual abuse. "Twisted doctrines produce twisted seeds of spiritual abuse."
In Matthew 17:20 Jesus said "Because of the littleness of your faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "move from here to there" and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you." I wonder how damaged seeds play out in that scenario? Probably not well. I did a quick search of "damaged seeds" and skimmed through it to find some instructions on salvaging damaged seeds. I'm no farmer but several things stood out to me - "the first thing you must do is determine how valuable the damaged seeds are." The steps are fairly straight-forward:
Step 1: Remove the seed pods and as much chaff as you can.
Step 2: Lay the seeds out on the drying screen.
Step 3: Blot the seeds with paper towels if they're really wet. (more drying)
Step 4: Put a fan on them to further dry them out.
Step 5: Last step. If germination is already taking place, you have two choices: 1.) Plant the seeds
2.) toss them!
Could it be that I am in the salvaging the seed process and if so, what step am I on?
The boys and I worked on pulling weeds in our backyard today and earlier in the week. It's a sweat-breaking job because not only have many weeds overtaken our yard, lots of tree saplings have as well and they are hard to tear out. It felt so good when I was able to win over the stubborn, thick roots and get it pulled out. A lot of the cleaning up required disposing of the chaff, the dry dusty mess. It seems so representative of sorting truth from lies. Some lies are subtle and can even be used in a way that twists the truth and context of scripture.
As I continued to worship and dig into to the truth of His promises I was confronted with one of my hindrances, a fear of hoping. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." That has been a bittersweet word for me for a very long time, feeling deferred. It's dark and painful, but that mustard-seed size faith again is in the process of being salvaged. Am I on Step 1 or 5? I guess I will know when germination takes place. Only God, the Master-Gardner sorts the good and bad seeds that have been planted along my life path. I know I am removing as much chaff as I can, soaking in the Truth, allowing it to untwist what was twisted and distorted. Lots of drying, it doesn't sound pleasant, but necessary. So necessary it requires three steps. I can trust Him, He is Worthy of my praise and my obedience. He is leading me into all Truth. I left the evening receiving the exhortation to walk in confident trust. He wants truth in the most inward parts and I'm yielding to the process.
In Matthew 17:20 Jesus said "Because of the littleness of your faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "move from here to there" and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you." I wonder how damaged seeds play out in that scenario? Probably not well. I did a quick search of "damaged seeds" and skimmed through it to find some instructions on salvaging damaged seeds. I'm no farmer but several things stood out to me - "the first thing you must do is determine how valuable the damaged seeds are." The steps are fairly straight-forward:
Step 1: Remove the seed pods and as much chaff as you can.
Step 2: Lay the seeds out on the drying screen.
Step 3: Blot the seeds with paper towels if they're really wet. (more drying)
Step 4: Put a fan on them to further dry them out.
Step 5: Last step. If germination is already taking place, you have two choices: 1.) Plant the seeds
2.) toss them!
Could it be that I am in the salvaging the seed process and if so, what step am I on?
The boys and I worked on pulling weeds in our backyard today and earlier in the week. It's a sweat-breaking job because not only have many weeds overtaken our yard, lots of tree saplings have as well and they are hard to tear out. It felt so good when I was able to win over the stubborn, thick roots and get it pulled out. A lot of the cleaning up required disposing of the chaff, the dry dusty mess. It seems so representative of sorting truth from lies. Some lies are subtle and can even be used in a way that twists the truth and context of scripture.
As I continued to worship and dig into to the truth of His promises I was confronted with one of my hindrances, a fear of hoping. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." That has been a bittersweet word for me for a very long time, feeling deferred. It's dark and painful, but that mustard-seed size faith again is in the process of being salvaged. Am I on Step 1 or 5? I guess I will know when germination takes place. Only God, the Master-Gardner sorts the good and bad seeds that have been planted along my life path. I know I am removing as much chaff as I can, soaking in the Truth, allowing it to untwist what was twisted and distorted. Lots of drying, it doesn't sound pleasant, but necessary. So necessary it requires three steps. I can trust Him, He is Worthy of my praise and my obedience. He is leading me into all Truth. I left the evening receiving the exhortation to walk in confident trust. He wants truth in the most inward parts and I'm yielding to the process.
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