I'm in a season of transition. Looking at my own issues head-on and battling the uphill challenge of un-doing well-established patterns. I remember listening to a message by Adrian Rodgers about changing these patterns of thought. It was helpful to visualize trying to reestablish a new groove in thinking. Like a rut in the road, it takes much effort to get out of the rut.
One of my main hard issues is co-dependency. I read books about the subject in my 20's so it's not that I have not been aware of this bend I have, still, it's been a hard struggle of change. Lately one of my sources of support provided a definition of co-dependency that was a light bulb moment for me. She stated that it was really a lack of relationship with self. Wow.
I am realizing the best thing I can do moving forward, learning from my mistakes, is to to learn how to appreciate myself and not look for validation in outside sources. To rely on a power greater than myself to place my burdens on. I started that specific journey back in 1989 when I started attending my first 12-step group. That was the year I started seeing a counselor, a very good friend recognized my need for it and booked my first appointment, as well as accompanying me to that first scary visit. The counselor highly encouraged me to attend these groups and after much procrastination I got the courage to go.
I found it to be refreshing and invigorating. They assigned us all a 12-step workbook that became my due diligence. I loved the self-reflection and the realization of my own powerlessness. That was Step 1 - "We admitted we were powerless over the effects of addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable." I took my workbook material seriously and applied deep thought to it all. I still have this workbook, it was the first of many workbooks. It's funny to read my answers now, in my 1989 handwriting.
I took six months in between step 1 and 2, wanting to be all in. Step 2 - "Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to wholeness." The first question of that step asks "Describe the fears that block your acceptance of a Higher Power?" My response: "I'm not real religious. I have sometimes felt angry at god and that he didn't care about me." This was an honest start to my spiritual journey.
I took Step 3 seriously and it is here that I stopped writing in this workbook. The "higher power" term did not ring as true. I started reading the Bible and went to the downtown Chandler library, walked directly to the "religion" section and scanned the shelf for a book to help me understand what I was reading. The book that caught my eye was a wonderful book called "Ask Him Anything" by Lloyd John Ogilve. I devoured this book, writing most of it in my journal. It was an absolute game-changer.
It was around this time that we received a flyer in the mail about this new church starting near our neighborhood. I was living with my dad and step-mom at the time. I liked the idea of attending "church" in a movie theater, less intimidating. I was raised going to the Presbyterian church where my grandfather was an elder, but stopped going once my mom no longer forced me to go - somewhere in my teens. I just went down some wrong paths.
I felt strangely compelled to go and arrived solo at one of the first meetings of this little church that is now quite large, Sun Valley Community Church. I loved it and marked on the bulletin that I wanted to accept Jesus as my Savior, even though I did not fully grasp what that meant. I met with the Executive Pastor and his wife. They walked me through the Four Spiritual Laws Pamphlet, and the wife began discipling me in the Bible. This would become my new higher power, the God of the Bible.
I continued attending 12 Step groups and at one point, was going as many nights as I could. I knew I was at a changing point and did not want to lose momentum. I was getting away from alcohol being my crutch. My hunger for spiritual things grew and I was told about a new Christ-centered 12 Step group that was starting at Grace Community Church. I was there from Day 1 and many years after that. That is where I began work on my next 12 Step workbook. I finished that one and another one after that. I eventually started facilitating a growth group for people that had worked through the 12 steps but wanted continued growth.
I thought I was in a healthy place and in some ways, I was, but in other ways, I was only beginning to apply the wisdom I was learning about. I stopped going to 12 step groups and got involved with Bible studies and church activities and serving there. This continued the growth process, but there were many set-backs along the way. I hadn't yet grasped the importance of boundaries, defining mine and enforcing them. In 2013, I returned to the support group setting. It had been 18 years. I went through a step group at a church called Celebrate Recovery, not a 12 step group per say, but the same concept.
All these workbooks and groups have been steps in my journey. I don't discount them. I've heard criticisms of this type of help, they are not for everybody, but I think they served a purpose for me. They have been an important part of growth, but like anything else, they are not magic. I have to continually apply truth to my sometimes distorted thinking. I still tend to bend codependent-ly.
Two years ago I went through another support group called Mending The Soul. It brought a lot of healing to some very painful wounds and gave me fresh understanding of the connection between my past and my present. It connected the dots so to speak. I've gone through the facilitator training and am waiting for the right opportunity to put the facilitator hat back on. It will keep me in the material, facing truths about myself, God and others and learning to trust again, after brokenness. It will use everything I've been through, for good and I'm excited about helping others get to healing, and on the road to spiritual freedom.
I guess you could call it my strange addiction, whether it be a workbook, Bible study, counseling, or support group, I am addicted. I don't want to be short sighted in dealing with my own issues and I am committed to continued growth and learning from my past. So my spiritual journey continues, I wrestle out my wrong choices and God's sovereignty that somehow intertwine and make up my life..... so far. My name is Karen and I am addicted!
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
My Mortifying Morning
I had a challenging morning. Yesterday my van broke down and a dear friend loaned me her car because I had an interview scheduled this morning. As I was on my way to the interview I realize the address I had for the interview location is not correct, my GPS was not finding it. So I'm starting to get a little nervous. As I'm scanning the road, I hear this strange sound coming from the back of the car. I look in the back seat and see a Madagascar cockroach crawling along on a paper grocery bag. You might wonder how I knew what it was. . . . years ago I had taken the boys to a week long Science camp and one of the activities at this camp was that the boys could let these Madagascar cockroaches climb on their hands. I don't think my boys did that, and I for sure know that I did not, cockroaches top my list for most disgusting critter. They make me a little crazy, I am not sure why, but I have such a fearful reaction to them. Thankfully they do not reside in our house so it's not usually a huge issue. Seeing this humungous roach almost did me in. I'm thankful I did not swerve and crash on the road as it sent me into an even greater panic. I quickly pulled over and called a friend that had referred me for this job, and he was able to give me the correct address so I was able to quickly find the location. I bolted out of the car as soon as I possibly could and went in for my interview, distracted. . . thinking of the car ride home. I managed to get through the interview and told her about the incident for some comic relief. She told me there was no way she would get back in that car if it was her, but it was me and I had the dilemma of figuring out how to get that gross thing out of the car.
I opened the driver side car door and immediately saw it crawling along the bottom rim. I slammed the car door, hoping it does him in, but it doesn't and it's still crawling along. I tried a few more times when the thought entered my mind to open the door on the opposite side. When I had bolted out of the side of the car that I saw the first one on, lo and behold I saw the original guy, realizing the one on the driver door is critter #2! Now I have two Madagascar cockroaches to contend with on opposite sides of the car. At this point, prayer is happening, and I need a way out of this situation which feels like a total nightmare! If I was on any type of surveillance camera it would be pretty comical. I kept going back and forth and slamming the car doors. Amazingly I was able to get the one on the passenger side to fall off onto the concrete. It flipped on it's back, but quickly recovered and crawled under the car. Continued fervent prayer. Have I mentioned how much I completely hate roaches of any kind?
With added determination I open the car door on the driver's side to see the guy continuing to saunter along the rim. I walked around the parking lot looking for a stick to flick it off, but all I could find were flimsy twigs that were of no use. I spotted a discarded windshield wiper in the parking lot, picked it up, and folded it in half to get some leverage. It took me a few try's but I was finally able to flick it out onto the pavement to join his counterpart. Wondering if there were any more in this roach coach, I did a quick scan and did not see any so I hopped in and headed home as fast as I possibly could. It was a very long drive, much longer than the way there. I drove the rest of the way home hunched against the steering wheel and praying. I could hear more ruffling so I was pretty sure there was more. . . . I was so done when I got home and it was only 10:30 a.m. I sent Jacob, our resident critter catcher, out to investigate for me. We scoured the car and found a dead one and another live one. Using a garden glove, he was able to get the hiding roach out and put an end to it's life. I paid him to vacuum the car out for me, just in case.
I texted my friend that had so graciously loaned me the car and she immediately called me back apologized profusely and realized that another friend of hers had returned the car to them this week. He leads Science camps and uses the roaches, just like the one I had taken the boys to years ago. In fact, he was the same teacher of this camp I had taken them to so long ago. I guess he forgot that he had them in their car. Yeah, we got a good laugh about the irony of it all.
It was a morning I will never forget (it probably took a few years off my life) but it also showed me that fear does not have to get the best of me. When I was driving home and praying that none of them would fall or crawl on me, I told myself that they would not hurt me if they did happen to get on me. I survived and learned a lesson in fear. So how was your morning?
I opened the driver side car door and immediately saw it crawling along the bottom rim. I slammed the car door, hoping it does him in, but it doesn't and it's still crawling along. I tried a few more times when the thought entered my mind to open the door on the opposite side. When I had bolted out of the side of the car that I saw the first one on, lo and behold I saw the original guy, realizing the one on the driver door is critter #2! Now I have two Madagascar cockroaches to contend with on opposite sides of the car. At this point, prayer is happening, and I need a way out of this situation which feels like a total nightmare! If I was on any type of surveillance camera it would be pretty comical. I kept going back and forth and slamming the car doors. Amazingly I was able to get the one on the passenger side to fall off onto the concrete. It flipped on it's back, but quickly recovered and crawled under the car. Continued fervent prayer. Have I mentioned how much I completely hate roaches of any kind?
With added determination I open the car door on the driver's side to see the guy continuing to saunter along the rim. I walked around the parking lot looking for a stick to flick it off, but all I could find were flimsy twigs that were of no use. I spotted a discarded windshield wiper in the parking lot, picked it up, and folded it in half to get some leverage. It took me a few try's but I was finally able to flick it out onto the pavement to join his counterpart. Wondering if there were any more in this roach coach, I did a quick scan and did not see any so I hopped in and headed home as fast as I possibly could. It was a very long drive, much longer than the way there. I drove the rest of the way home hunched against the steering wheel and praying. I could hear more ruffling so I was pretty sure there was more. . . . I was so done when I got home and it was only 10:30 a.m. I sent Jacob, our resident critter catcher, out to investigate for me. We scoured the car and found a dead one and another live one. Using a garden glove, he was able to get the hiding roach out and put an end to it's life. I paid him to vacuum the car out for me, just in case.
I texted my friend that had so graciously loaned me the car and she immediately called me back apologized profusely and realized that another friend of hers had returned the car to them this week. He leads Science camps and uses the roaches, just like the one I had taken the boys to years ago. In fact, he was the same teacher of this camp I had taken them to so long ago. I guess he forgot that he had them in their car. Yeah, we got a good laugh about the irony of it all.
It was a morning I will never forget (it probably took a few years off my life) but it also showed me that fear does not have to get the best of me. When I was driving home and praying that none of them would fall or crawl on me, I told myself that they would not hurt me if they did happen to get on me. I survived and learned a lesson in fear. So how was your morning?
Saturday, April 23, 2016
The Struggle is Real
A casual glance through the Social Media minefield of distraction and curiosity can give me a false impression that I am the minority in the struggle of life right now. It's why I try to limit my time there to specific groups that I can be real with. It can provoke me to envy which is not something I need to add to the already-there-struggle.
In reality, everyone has something to struggle with, none of us are immune. For me, this season has been difficult and the struggle is real. God prepared me for this season. I think something in me had been slowly waking up. I like to think I was waking up to truth, to being fully human and whole. God used so many things to get me to that point. I immersed myself in Bible study, it was the way I coped with the insanity of a life situation I was in. One of the many studies was a precept study on the entire book of Romans, my favorite book in the New Testament. Wayne Barber explained the in's and out's of that book so well that I could not write fast enough to take notes. Thankfully, another gal in the class made a transcript of most of the sessions. I devoured them and seeing the meaning in it's full context, gave me the courage to stand on truth. So much of the verses that were emphasized to me in life were verses taken sorely out of context, used in a way they were not meant to be used. I did not know it then, when I used those same verses to pound myself with.
My two favorite NT verses are the No Condemnation verse of Romans 8:1 and how God works all things for good...The No Condemnation one was pivotal for me to finally stand up and firmly stand on that foundation. The God working all things for good keeps me there. It's been the biggest struggle of my life.
As I am in a difficult season, I need to intentionally pull back my focus to see the overall picture. God has brought me into the paths of some amazing, inspiring women for which I am incredibly grateful. He has put relatable women in my life. I have a small support group which is so helpful. But pain, deep heart-wrenching pain is isolating. It's debilitating. I don't always handle it well. On a good day, I cling to the verses like the solid truth of Romans 8:28. I don't see it as a sugary Hallmark-card platitude, but truth that pulls me out of my hyper-sensitive, circumstance-focused lens to see the big, eternal picture. That's a good day. I acknowledge that I don't like the pain, any pain, that I am really tired of the pain, but I know God says there will be pain, so I can almost embrace it and see the big picture in it all.
On a bad day, and I've been having more of them lately, I get really angry at God. I have a temper tantrum like a two year old. I'm cynical of all church, Christians, and well, people in general. I loathe myself, I think that is the most painful. When I think so lowly and not as in humble of myself, it's hard to reconcile in my relationship to God. It adds to the anger.
Thankfully, I don't stay in that pit of despair for too long. I have kids that need me, friends to encourage and support, work to attend to, and a fellowship to be a part of. God's love draws me to repentance, to confession and restoration. Still, it's a long path to healing. I've been actively searching, applying and interviewing for work, either to supplement, or to replace what I am currently doing. It's humbling, very humbling. I can feel the rejection to the core. Confidence has never been my strength so it's a test of faith to not give in to absolute depression.
I'm currently reading Brennan Manning's memoir, a man I greatly admire. I love that in the foreword of the book Philip Yancey (another great writer) writes how as you read this book you may be tempted to think: "Oh, what might have been....", since Manning struggled greatly with alcoholism. He urges us to reframe that thought to "Oh, what might have been ... if Brennan hadn't discovered grace." Brennan Manning is notorious for proclaiming a gospel he believed with all his heart but did not always live. I can so relate.
He has a quote from a monk named Thomas Keating that rang true for me: "The cross Jesus asked you to carry is yourself. It's all the pain inflicted on you in your past and all the pain you've inflicted on others." I'm so glad that's not the end of the story, that it doesn't end with me carrying that cross, or any cross, alone on my back with no one to help me carry it. It's living like Brennan Manning lived, all is grace. Like how Rich Mullins lived, a self-proclaimed Ragamuffin, who struggled to accept God's love. He is my favorite song-writer because his songs tell that story. His struggle was also real and relatable. Both Brennan and Rich wrestled it out, their tendency to sin, their struggle to stay in that Truth of God's agape love, yet their valiant, refreshingly honest perseverance and admonition to hold to the furious longing and love of God, even when they didn't feel very lovable. God's love is real and will.... be..... realized in full, in due time. Until then I can live in the "Here I'm tested and made worthy, tossed about but lifted up, in the reckless raging fury that they call the love of God" season as Rich Mullins sings in "The Love of God". It is a struggle that is real, but I'm not alone in the struggle and neither are you.
In reality, everyone has something to struggle with, none of us are immune. For me, this season has been difficult and the struggle is real. God prepared me for this season. I think something in me had been slowly waking up. I like to think I was waking up to truth, to being fully human and whole. God used so many things to get me to that point. I immersed myself in Bible study, it was the way I coped with the insanity of a life situation I was in. One of the many studies was a precept study on the entire book of Romans, my favorite book in the New Testament. Wayne Barber explained the in's and out's of that book so well that I could not write fast enough to take notes. Thankfully, another gal in the class made a transcript of most of the sessions. I devoured them and seeing the meaning in it's full context, gave me the courage to stand on truth. So much of the verses that were emphasized to me in life were verses taken sorely out of context, used in a way they were not meant to be used. I did not know it then, when I used those same verses to pound myself with.
My two favorite NT verses are the No Condemnation verse of Romans 8:1 and how God works all things for good...The No Condemnation one was pivotal for me to finally stand up and firmly stand on that foundation. The God working all things for good keeps me there. It's been the biggest struggle of my life.
As I am in a difficult season, I need to intentionally pull back my focus to see the overall picture. God has brought me into the paths of some amazing, inspiring women for which I am incredibly grateful. He has put relatable women in my life. I have a small support group which is so helpful. But pain, deep heart-wrenching pain is isolating. It's debilitating. I don't always handle it well. On a good day, I cling to the verses like the solid truth of Romans 8:28. I don't see it as a sugary Hallmark-card platitude, but truth that pulls me out of my hyper-sensitive, circumstance-focused lens to see the big, eternal picture. That's a good day. I acknowledge that I don't like the pain, any pain, that I am really tired of the pain, but I know God says there will be pain, so I can almost embrace it and see the big picture in it all.
On a bad day, and I've been having more of them lately, I get really angry at God. I have a temper tantrum like a two year old. I'm cynical of all church, Christians, and well, people in general. I loathe myself, I think that is the most painful. When I think so lowly and not as in humble of myself, it's hard to reconcile in my relationship to God. It adds to the anger.
Thankfully, I don't stay in that pit of despair for too long. I have kids that need me, friends to encourage and support, work to attend to, and a fellowship to be a part of. God's love draws me to repentance, to confession and restoration. Still, it's a long path to healing. I've been actively searching, applying and interviewing for work, either to supplement, or to replace what I am currently doing. It's humbling, very humbling. I can feel the rejection to the core. Confidence has never been my strength so it's a test of faith to not give in to absolute depression.
I'm currently reading Brennan Manning's memoir, a man I greatly admire. I love that in the foreword of the book Philip Yancey (another great writer) writes how as you read this book you may be tempted to think: "Oh, what might have been....", since Manning struggled greatly with alcoholism. He urges us to reframe that thought to "Oh, what might have been ... if Brennan hadn't discovered grace." Brennan Manning is notorious for proclaiming a gospel he believed with all his heart but did not always live. I can so relate.
He has a quote from a monk named Thomas Keating that rang true for me: "The cross Jesus asked you to carry is yourself. It's all the pain inflicted on you in your past and all the pain you've inflicted on others." I'm so glad that's not the end of the story, that it doesn't end with me carrying that cross, or any cross, alone on my back with no one to help me carry it. It's living like Brennan Manning lived, all is grace. Like how Rich Mullins lived, a self-proclaimed Ragamuffin, who struggled to accept God's love. He is my favorite song-writer because his songs tell that story. His struggle was also real and relatable. Both Brennan and Rich wrestled it out, their tendency to sin, their struggle to stay in that Truth of God's agape love, yet their valiant, refreshingly honest perseverance and admonition to hold to the furious longing and love of God, even when they didn't feel very lovable. God's love is real and will.... be..... realized in full, in due time. Until then I can live in the "Here I'm tested and made worthy, tossed about but lifted up, in the reckless raging fury that they call the love of God" season as Rich Mullins sings in "The Love of God". It is a struggle that is real, but I'm not alone in the struggle and neither are you.
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Salvaging Seeds
I went to a night of praise last night. It had been a hard, stressful week. As I sat there and soaked in the words being sung, saying He is a good good Father, it resonated deep within me for all the things the songs said were true, the truest things I know and yet I felt detached at first. It was a battle to quiet my mind and to concentrate, to give into the truths and let go of any lies. I felt convicted, God has done so much to show me His faithfulness and yet I continually stress and doubt and give in to anxiousness which can easily lead to me leading the way instead of a confident faith in Him, His Word and His promises. I'm not one to say I get visions, but occasionally I do feel God gives me little visuals that help me understand my struggle. As the praise continued I raised my hands in faith, offering Him the praise He is due, regardless of my feelings. I thought of the passages in Scripture that describe a mustard-seed sized faith. So much of my struggle right now is sorting the good and bad seed. In thinking on those verses, I pictured a damaged seed. I thought of the words by Dale Fincher, founder of solution.org-a site devoted to spiritual abuse. "Twisted doctrines produce twisted seeds of spiritual abuse."
In Matthew 17:20 Jesus said "Because of the littleness of your faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "move from here to there" and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you." I wonder how damaged seeds play out in that scenario? Probably not well. I did a quick search of "damaged seeds" and skimmed through it to find some instructions on salvaging damaged seeds. I'm no farmer but several things stood out to me - "the first thing you must do is determine how valuable the damaged seeds are." The steps are fairly straight-forward:
Step 1: Remove the seed pods and as much chaff as you can.
Step 2: Lay the seeds out on the drying screen.
Step 3: Blot the seeds with paper towels if they're really wet. (more drying)
Step 4: Put a fan on them to further dry them out.
Step 5: Last step. If germination is already taking place, you have two choices: 1.) Plant the seeds
2.) toss them!
Could it be that I am in the salvaging the seed process and if so, what step am I on?
The boys and I worked on pulling weeds in our backyard today and earlier in the week. It's a sweat-breaking job because not only have many weeds overtaken our yard, lots of tree saplings have as well and they are hard to tear out. It felt so good when I was able to win over the stubborn, thick roots and get it pulled out. A lot of the cleaning up required disposing of the chaff, the dry dusty mess. It seems so representative of sorting truth from lies. Some lies are subtle and can even be used in a way that twists the truth and context of scripture.
As I continued to worship and dig into to the truth of His promises I was confronted with one of my hindrances, a fear of hoping. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." That has been a bittersweet word for me for a very long time, feeling deferred. It's dark and painful, but that mustard-seed size faith again is in the process of being salvaged. Am I on Step 1 or 5? I guess I will know when germination takes place. Only God, the Master-Gardner sorts the good and bad seeds that have been planted along my life path. I know I am removing as much chaff as I can, soaking in the Truth, allowing it to untwist what was twisted and distorted. Lots of drying, it doesn't sound pleasant, but necessary. So necessary it requires three steps. I can trust Him, He is Worthy of my praise and my obedience. He is leading me into all Truth. I left the evening receiving the exhortation to walk in confident trust. He wants truth in the most inward parts and I'm yielding to the process.
In Matthew 17:20 Jesus said "Because of the littleness of your faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "move from here to there" and it will move and nothing will be impossible for you." I wonder how damaged seeds play out in that scenario? Probably not well. I did a quick search of "damaged seeds" and skimmed through it to find some instructions on salvaging damaged seeds. I'm no farmer but several things stood out to me - "the first thing you must do is determine how valuable the damaged seeds are." The steps are fairly straight-forward:
Step 1: Remove the seed pods and as much chaff as you can.
Step 2: Lay the seeds out on the drying screen.
Step 3: Blot the seeds with paper towels if they're really wet. (more drying)
Step 4: Put a fan on them to further dry them out.
Step 5: Last step. If germination is already taking place, you have two choices: 1.) Plant the seeds
2.) toss them!
Could it be that I am in the salvaging the seed process and if so, what step am I on?
The boys and I worked on pulling weeds in our backyard today and earlier in the week. It's a sweat-breaking job because not only have many weeds overtaken our yard, lots of tree saplings have as well and they are hard to tear out. It felt so good when I was able to win over the stubborn, thick roots and get it pulled out. A lot of the cleaning up required disposing of the chaff, the dry dusty mess. It seems so representative of sorting truth from lies. Some lies are subtle and can even be used in a way that twists the truth and context of scripture.
As I continued to worship and dig into to the truth of His promises I was confronted with one of my hindrances, a fear of hoping. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." That has been a bittersweet word for me for a very long time, feeling deferred. It's dark and painful, but that mustard-seed size faith again is in the process of being salvaged. Am I on Step 1 or 5? I guess I will know when germination takes place. Only God, the Master-Gardner sorts the good and bad seeds that have been planted along my life path. I know I am removing as much chaff as I can, soaking in the Truth, allowing it to untwist what was twisted and distorted. Lots of drying, it doesn't sound pleasant, but necessary. So necessary it requires three steps. I can trust Him, He is Worthy of my praise and my obedience. He is leading me into all Truth. I left the evening receiving the exhortation to walk in confident trust. He wants truth in the most inward parts and I'm yielding to the process.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Pondering Steve Jobs
At the beginning of a recent message I heard at church the Pastor read a quote from Steve Jobs: "The juice goes out of Christianity when it becomes too based on faith rather than on living like Jesus or seeing the world as Jesus saw it." The message was from a series called "Christian or Disciple?" and was an excellent series. The word "Christian", the Pastor points out, is only used three times in the Bible and the definition is not to be found there. However, the word disciple is and is described as a follower or an apprentice, someone who chooses to follow a Master. His point was being a disciple is not just about believing, but about how you treat and love other people and the world. The Pastor agreed with Jobs quote. I have not read the biography this quote came from, but it is on my list of books I want to read. He was the founder of the company I work for so I have an invested interest in learning about his life, a respect for what he accomplished, and the vision and standard he established in technology. His life continues to impact people around the world. I did do some further research on the specific quote and thought it was interesting when I read some quotes that lead up to his opinion on Christianity:
"…Jobs’s parents wanted him to have a religious upbringing, so they took him to the Lutheran church most Sundays. That came to an end when he was thirteen. In July 1968 Life magazine published a shocking cover showing a pair of starving children in Biafra. Jobs took it to Sunday school and confronted the church’s pastor. “If I raise my finger, will God know which one I’m going to raise even before I do it?”
I can't help but be curious as to what some of Steve Jobs "received dogma"s were to him. Was it just the over-all view of God allowing unimaginable suffering that turned him off or did he have some experiences with Christians and the dogma that goes along with Christianity? Maybe it was a mixture of both?The pastor answered, “Yes, God knows everything.”Jobs then pulled out the Life cover and asked, “Well, does God know about this and what’s going to happen to those children?”“Steve, I know you don’t understand, but yes, God knows about that.”Jobs announced that he didn’t want to have anything to do with worshiping such a God, and he never went back to church. He did, however, spend years studying and trying to practice the tenets of Zen Buddhism. Reflecting years later on his spiritual feelings, he said that religion was at its best when it emphasized spiritual experiences rather than received dogma. “The juice goes out of Christianity when it becomes too based on faith rather than on living like Jesus or seeing the world as Jesus saw it,” he told the author of his biography, Walter Isaacson.
In the message from the Pastor he pointed out some ways the dogma of church-people, or what is commonly called as "Christians" can short-circuit the message of reconciling love that Jesus gave as a command to His disciples to the world. His command to love others as He loved them. To make disciples with the only avenue of that path being love. Contrary to popular belief, Jesus did not call His disciples to impose His values on all nations, threatening them, harsh words, not sharing gospel with love but coercion, or standing in superior judgement over the world. Instead, Jesus emphasized to love the world as He loved His disciples, in a humble, serving way. So it's not surprising that many in our world today, like Jobs, are not drawn by the love that represented the Christ that is to be in Christians.
Was Jobs turned off by a God that allows incomprehensible suffering? This is understandable. It is not an easy thing to reconcile what God permits when He has the power to stop it or change it. There is probably not a person alive, Christian or non-Christian that has not grappled with the reality of pain and suffering. It is something I have wrestled with much. I don't claim to have a grasp on understanding all the why's. On a bad day I can get caught up in a tidal wave of why's and it's all too easy to get sucked under. On a good day I'm thankful for the freedom that lies behind the puzzle of suffering, for it does seem logical to equate the free-will of man with at least some of the responsibility of pain and heartache. God could of made us all so that we were wired to submit to Him, but would there be much freedom and relationship in that? God had to give us freedom, knowing what we might do with it. He could of made us puppets, but instead He made us persons. Our questions reflect our divine, inbred desire to grow. They can lead us into relationship with Him, which is entirely different than religion, which can turn into the dogma that might have been very unattractive to Steve Jobs.
In his book "The Problem of Pain", C.S. Lewis says: " We can, perhaps conceive of a world in which God corrected the results of this abuse of free will by His creatures at every moment: so that a wooden beam became as soft as grass when it used as a weapon, and the air refused to obey me if I attempted to set up in it the sound waves that carry lies or insults. But such a world would be one in which wrong actions were impossible, and in which, therefore, freedom of the will would be void; nay, if the principle were carried out to its logical conclusion, evil thoughts would be impossible, for the cerebral matter which we use in thinking would refuse its task when we attempted to frame them....Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you will find that you have excluded life itself."
So I can relate to Jobs questioning of God. I don't think it is a bad thing. In The Bible Jacob is esteemed for wrestling with God and not punished. It was then that God changed his name from Jacob to Israel. Later, close to death, Steve Jobs told Isaacson he'd been thinking about God and a possible afterlife. But then he paused for a second, Isaacson recounted. "Yeah, but sometimes I think it's just like an on-off switch. Click and you're gone," he said, pausing again. "And that's why I don't like putting on-off switches on Apple devices." Unfortunately, I don't think it's as simple as on-off switches when it comes to the afterlife. It's worth pondering. It was just that kind of questioning that lead me into the most important relationship I've ever had and ever will have. A relationship of love that I have spent a lifetime questioning, receiving, wrestling and growing in. It is His love for me that matters and my love for Him.
http://hopechurchchandler.com/sermons#series_47
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Yoga, Harry Potter, and D & D
Yes, Yoga, Harry Potter and Dungeons and Dragons, gasp! Things that were taboo to me for a very long time have been recently introduced into my life and I am finding that they are not near as unclean as I was made to believe. Call it a spiritual-mid-life-crisis, but I've been examining, questioning, and investigating and I've gotta say I've been pleasantly delighted.
Yoga, I recently joined the Y since I live within walking distance and my work now reimburses me for some fitness costs. The first class I tried was Zumba, I tried to nonchalantly hang in the back row, but my lack of coordination with dance moves had me feeling a little self-conscious. It was fun and I enjoyed it until later when I realized I had hurt myself with all that dancing and swinging the hand weights around! I figured yoga might be a better choice for me, but I had been warned against yoga for it's eastern influences and philosophy. I had a fondness for my yoga teacher from the get-go. She is an older hippie-looking gal with gray hair and an affinity for the Beatles and Pink Floyd music which she plays during the class. I loved her quirkiness and her calm, soothing, relaxing voice. It felt good to stretch and to focus on relaxing and breathing deep breathes. I'm an anxious person by nature so learning to breathe deep goes against my grain. I love her class and find I really enjoy yoga. She does says some things about emptying your mind and the likes of that, but there is no chanting or weirdness. Unless you think doing the child's pose to a Beatles song is weird.
Next up, Harry Potter movies. Big no-no as I was told it's bad magic that involves witchcraft. We've only seen the first two so far, but I have to say they are delightful and the magic isn't dark and not majorly different from my favorite Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit and Narnia series. They are family friendly movies which are getting harder to come by these days when you want great acting and all the things a big budget can afford. We plan to continue to watch them to see what adventures in Hogwarts School await them. We've enjoyed having a good series we can watch together. We laughed quite a bit in the first two and thoroughly enjoyed them.
Now on to Dungeons and Dragons. When my son came home and told me he played D & D at a friends house he was wise to add-on an addendum that it was not anything evil or satanic, but that it was a role-playing game that involves a lot of creativity, adventure and improvisation. I quickly took to researching it and found that there was quite a bit of negative publicity about it that was controversial. It made me leery, but I trust the family that owns the game and know they would not play it in a way that would make it dangerous on any level. I also know my son is discerning, but as a parent it is my job to be wise and look into things. He's played the game only a handful of times, and has communicated clearly to me exactly what is involved in playing the game and they play by their own rules which involves creativity and fun entertainment. It does represent the battle between good and evil, but in the end no more than a personal adventure in a Lord of the Rings-like universe.
I don't want to be a legalistic Christian. I think it can be a tendency in any Christian's life, it's something we need to be on guard for and it's honestly something I've been examining in my own life. Legalism can put the focus on the external to the neglect of the internal. Jesus had more conflicts with legalists than any other group. It also seemed to look like Jesus did things to purposely provoke the legalists of His day. Was it a coincidence that Jesus often healed people on the Sabbath? He was pretty obvious about violating many of the Pharisee's man-made rules whereas he could've been a little more subtle about it. There is freedom in Christ, yet we are called to be discerning and avoid evil. Yoga, Harry Potter and Dungeons and Dragons were things I was told were evil. To some people they are evil. To me they are a way to stretch and relax, a good movie series and a game my sons says will make family nights a lot more fun.
Yoga, I recently joined the Y since I live within walking distance and my work now reimburses me for some fitness costs. The first class I tried was Zumba, I tried to nonchalantly hang in the back row, but my lack of coordination with dance moves had me feeling a little self-conscious. It was fun and I enjoyed it until later when I realized I had hurt myself with all that dancing and swinging the hand weights around! I figured yoga might be a better choice for me, but I had been warned against yoga for it's eastern influences and philosophy. I had a fondness for my yoga teacher from the get-go. She is an older hippie-looking gal with gray hair and an affinity for the Beatles and Pink Floyd music which she plays during the class. I loved her quirkiness and her calm, soothing, relaxing voice. It felt good to stretch and to focus on relaxing and breathing deep breathes. I'm an anxious person by nature so learning to breathe deep goes against my grain. I love her class and find I really enjoy yoga. She does says some things about emptying your mind and the likes of that, but there is no chanting or weirdness. Unless you think doing the child's pose to a Beatles song is weird.
Next up, Harry Potter movies. Big no-no as I was told it's bad magic that involves witchcraft. We've only seen the first two so far, but I have to say they are delightful and the magic isn't dark and not majorly different from my favorite Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit and Narnia series. They are family friendly movies which are getting harder to come by these days when you want great acting and all the things a big budget can afford. We plan to continue to watch them to see what adventures in Hogwarts School await them. We've enjoyed having a good series we can watch together. We laughed quite a bit in the first two and thoroughly enjoyed them.
Now on to Dungeons and Dragons. When my son came home and told me he played D & D at a friends house he was wise to add-on an addendum that it was not anything evil or satanic, but that it was a role-playing game that involves a lot of creativity, adventure and improvisation. I quickly took to researching it and found that there was quite a bit of negative publicity about it that was controversial. It made me leery, but I trust the family that owns the game and know they would not play it in a way that would make it dangerous on any level. I also know my son is discerning, but as a parent it is my job to be wise and look into things. He's played the game only a handful of times, and has communicated clearly to me exactly what is involved in playing the game and they play by their own rules which involves creativity and fun entertainment. It does represent the battle between good and evil, but in the end no more than a personal adventure in a Lord of the Rings-like universe.
I don't want to be a legalistic Christian. I think it can be a tendency in any Christian's life, it's something we need to be on guard for and it's honestly something I've been examining in my own life. Legalism can put the focus on the external to the neglect of the internal. Jesus had more conflicts with legalists than any other group. It also seemed to look like Jesus did things to purposely provoke the legalists of His day. Was it a coincidence that Jesus often healed people on the Sabbath? He was pretty obvious about violating many of the Pharisee's man-made rules whereas he could've been a little more subtle about it. There is freedom in Christ, yet we are called to be discerning and avoid evil. Yoga, Harry Potter and Dungeons and Dragons were things I was told were evil. To some people they are evil. To me they are a way to stretch and relax, a good movie series and a game my sons says will make family nights a lot more fun.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Wisdom from "Screwtape Letters"
My son was reading "Screwtape Letters" last school year for one of his home school classes so we read it out loud, one chapter a week. I have read this book several times and we even own the dramatized Radio-Theater version with Andy Serkis voicing Screwtape as well as he voices Gollum in "The Lord of The Rings", in a guttural, evil voice as only he can do. If you are familiar with this book then you know the premise: Screwtape is the Uncle to Wormwood and is a senior demon to his novice nephew. The book is a compilation of these letters from Screwtape to his nephew who's been tasked with securing the eternal damnation and everyday demise of his human "patient". Thankfully the chapters are small because there is a lot to think about in the ways the enemy tries to get us "patients" off track! Each chapter gave me more than enough food-for-thought for one week.
There are so many nuggets of wisdom that C.S. Lewis has brilliantly dramatized for us via this diabolical comedy of sorts. For example, Screwtape writes: "There is nothing like suspense and anxiety for barricading a human's mind against the Enemy....our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them." This stood out to me in blazing clarity because I can so see this thought pattern in my own life. It's one of my biggest struggles, to not give in to anxious thoughts because I know it does just that: barricades my mind from trusting in God. It feeds on all the "what-if" questions that I can get caught in a mind-spewing cycle of anxiety and fear. It's the opposite of trust and rest which is why it works so well with little effort made to call attention to it.
In another letter Screwtape tells his nephew-in-training that His boss and our enemy are revolted in us humans because we are half-spirit and half-animal. As half spirits we belong to the eternal world, but as animals we inhabit time. "This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change." The enemy is aware of our strengths and weaknesses and our tendencies to repeat a pattern of some sort of peaks and valleys. Work, affection for friends, physical appetites all go up and down "As long as he lives on earth, periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty." He goes on to tell him that this is merely a natural phenomenon which will not do them any good unless they "make a good use of it."
He tells him that they must do the opposite of what the Enemy (God) would want to make of it, knowing His intention to get permanent possession of a soul, the Enemy relies on the valleys even more than the peaks. He explains their logic this way: "To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of it's will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at His expense. But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men and His service being perfect freedom is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself-creatures whose life, on its miniature scale will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and will be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himself; the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct."
He goes on to say "Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless." This is so profound for me because it was this way of logic that brought me to truly want to know God as I started to explore this "Higher Power" I came to believe was God as I set about to turn my life over to Him in my early twenties. I was, at the time, working through the Twelve Steps in a support group and was working on Step number Three which in secular words is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God". I could not move forward until I knew "Who" my God was and I had been taught from growing up in the Presbyterian Church where my Grandfather was an elder that God was the God of the Bible. I began researching this God and for whatever reason, this became the deciding factor for me, the logic that won me over was the realization that God gave me a free will, where He could have just simply, not.
Screwtape further explains to Wormwood that God may override the relationship with the patient with "emotional sweetness" at first, but that "He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws....He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs....Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. " He takes away His hand and "if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles." He goes on to tell his nephew that their cause is "never more in danger than when a human no longer desiring, but still intending to do our Enemy's will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
That's encouraging to me. This is what faith is, looking out over a universe where God is not always visibly seen. We all can have moments where we feel incredibly alone and God feels strangely distant, where we ask "Why?" a million times, yet we still seek Him out, still desire to obey Him, we hang onto maybe a mustard-seed-size-faith. He invites our wrestling, understands our cursing when things just seem too hard, and gives grace that only He is qualified to give. It's His grace and love that helps me hold onto hope. The enemy wants to take that from me, but "Screwtape Letters" reminds me that hope is worth holding onto. No matter how sneaky the enemy is there is wisdom in knowing what we are up against and that God's goal is me united to Him, but still distinct and that even when I'm stumbling, He can be pleased in my perseverance in faith, no matter how small. Such insight and truth C. S. Lewis was able to articulate! No wonder I return to his writings again and again.
There are so many nuggets of wisdom that C.S. Lewis has brilliantly dramatized for us via this diabolical comedy of sorts. For example, Screwtape writes: "There is nothing like suspense and anxiety for barricading a human's mind against the Enemy....our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them." This stood out to me in blazing clarity because I can so see this thought pattern in my own life. It's one of my biggest struggles, to not give in to anxious thoughts because I know it does just that: barricades my mind from trusting in God. It feeds on all the "what-if" questions that I can get caught in a mind-spewing cycle of anxiety and fear. It's the opposite of trust and rest which is why it works so well with little effort made to call attention to it.
In another letter Screwtape tells his nephew-in-training that His boss and our enemy are revolted in us humans because we are half-spirit and half-animal. As half spirits we belong to the eternal world, but as animals we inhabit time. "This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change." The enemy is aware of our strengths and weaknesses and our tendencies to repeat a pattern of some sort of peaks and valleys. Work, affection for friends, physical appetites all go up and down "As long as he lives on earth, periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty." He goes on to tell him that this is merely a natural phenomenon which will not do them any good unless they "make a good use of it."
He tells him that they must do the opposite of what the Enemy (God) would want to make of it, knowing His intention to get permanent possession of a soul, the Enemy relies on the valleys even more than the peaks. He explains their logic this way: "To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of it's will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at His expense. But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men and His service being perfect freedom is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself-creatures whose life, on its miniature scale will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and will be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himself; the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct."
He goes on to say "Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless." This is so profound for me because it was this way of logic that brought me to truly want to know God as I started to explore this "Higher Power" I came to believe was God as I set about to turn my life over to Him in my early twenties. I was, at the time, working through the Twelve Steps in a support group and was working on Step number Three which in secular words is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God". I could not move forward until I knew "Who" my God was and I had been taught from growing up in the Presbyterian Church where my Grandfather was an elder that God was the God of the Bible. I began researching this God and for whatever reason, this became the deciding factor for me, the logic that won me over was the realization that God gave me a free will, where He could have just simply, not.
Screwtape further explains to Wormwood that God may override the relationship with the patient with "emotional sweetness" at first, but that "He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws....He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs....Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. " He takes away His hand and "if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles." He goes on to tell his nephew that their cause is "never more in danger than when a human no longer desiring, but still intending to do our Enemy's will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
That's encouraging to me. This is what faith is, looking out over a universe where God is not always visibly seen. We all can have moments where we feel incredibly alone and God feels strangely distant, where we ask "Why?" a million times, yet we still seek Him out, still desire to obey Him, we hang onto maybe a mustard-seed-size-faith. He invites our wrestling, understands our cursing when things just seem too hard, and gives grace that only He is qualified to give. It's His grace and love that helps me hold onto hope. The enemy wants to take that from me, but "Screwtape Letters" reminds me that hope is worth holding onto. No matter how sneaky the enemy is there is wisdom in knowing what we are up against and that God's goal is me united to Him, but still distinct and that even when I'm stumbling, He can be pleased in my perseverance in faith, no matter how small. Such insight and truth C. S. Lewis was able to articulate! No wonder I return to his writings again and again.
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