The Struggle is Real

A casual glance through the Social Media minefield of distraction and curiosity can give me a false impression that I am the minority in the struggle of life right now. It's why I try to limit my time there to specific groups that I can be real with. It can provoke me to envy which is not something I need to add to the already-there-struggle.

In reality, everyone has something to struggle with, none of us are immune. For me, this season has been difficult and the struggle is real. God prepared me for this season. I think something in me had been slowly waking up. I like to think I was waking up to truth, to being fully human and whole. God used so many things to get me to that point. I immersed myself in Bible study, it was the way I coped with the insanity of a life situation I was in. One of the many studies was a precept study on the entire book of Romans, my favorite book in the New Testament. Wayne Barber explained the in's and out's of that book so well that I could not write fast enough to take notes. Thankfully, another gal in the class made a transcript of most of the sessions. I devoured them and seeing the meaning in it's full context, gave me the courage to stand on truth. So much of the verses that were emphasized to me in life were verses taken sorely out of context, used in a way they were not meant to be used. I did not know it then, when I used those same verses to pound myself with.

My two favorite NT verses are the No Condemnation verse of Romans 8:1 and how God works all things for good...The No Condemnation one was pivotal for me to finally stand up and firmly stand on that foundation. The God working all things for good keeps me there. It's been the biggest struggle of my life.

As I am in a difficult season, I need to intentionally pull back my focus to see the overall picture. God has brought me into the paths of some amazing, inspiring women for which  I am incredibly grateful. He has put relatable women in my life. I have a small support group which is so helpful. But pain, deep heart-wrenching pain is isolating. It's debilitating. I don't always handle it well. On a good day, I cling to the verses like the solid truth of Romans 8:28. I don't see it as a sugary Hallmark-card platitude, but truth that pulls me out of my hyper-sensitive, circumstance-focused lens to see the big, eternal picture. That's a good day. I acknowledge that I don't like the pain, any pain, that I am really tired of the pain, but I know God says there will be pain, so I can almost embrace it and see the big picture in it all.

On a bad day, and I've been having more of them lately, I get really angry at God. I have a temper tantrum like a two year old. I'm cynical of all church, Christians, and well, people in general. I loathe myself, I think that is the most painful. When I think so lowly and not as in humble of myself, it's hard to reconcile in my relationship to God. It adds to the anger.

Thankfully, I don't stay in that pit of despair for too long. I have kids that need me, friends to encourage and support, work to attend to, and a fellowship to be a part of. God's love draws me to repentance, to confession and restoration. Still, it's a long path to healing.  I've been actively searching, applying and interviewing for work, either to supplement, or to replace what I am currently doing. It's humbling, very humbling. I can feel the rejection to the core. Confidence has never been my strength so it's a test of faith to not give in to absolute depression.

I'm currently reading Brennan Manning's memoir, a man I greatly admire. I love that in the foreword of the book Philip Yancey (another great writer) writes how as you read this book you may be tempted to think: "Oh, what might have been....", since Manning struggled greatly with alcoholism. He urges us to reframe that thought to "Oh, what might have been ... if Brennan hadn't discovered grace."  Brennan Manning is notorious for proclaiming a gospel he believed with all his heart but did not always live. I can so relate.

He has a quote from a monk named Thomas Keating that rang true for me: "The cross Jesus asked you to carry is yourself. It's all the pain inflicted on you in your past and all the pain you've inflicted on others." I'm so glad that's not the end of the story, that it doesn't end with me carrying that cross, or any cross, alone on my back with no one to help me carry it. It's living like Brennan Manning lived,  all is grace. Like how Rich Mullins lived, a self-proclaimed Ragamuffin, who struggled to accept God's love. He is my favorite song-writer because his songs tell that story. His struggle was also real and relatable. Both Brennan and Rich wrestled it out, their tendency to sin, their struggle to stay in that Truth of God's agape love, yet their valiant, refreshingly honest perseverance and admonition to hold to the furious longing and love of God, even when they didn't feel very lovable. God's love is real and will.... be..... realized in full, in due time. Until then I can live in the "Here I'm tested and made worthy, tossed about but lifted up, in the reckless raging fury that they call the love of God" season as Rich Mullins sings in "The Love of God".   It is a struggle that is real, but I'm not alone in the struggle and neither are you.